I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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