I wish you could order shots online.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
