i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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