And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
