i barfeds in our rink
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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