theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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