I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize