I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
