I am full of burrito and curiosity
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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