Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
