totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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