Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
vagina is talking i cant
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
