God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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