hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize