I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
