Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
