today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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