I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
