words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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