So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
im drinking this country out of the recession.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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