Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My breasts were aching with rage.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
