not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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