glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
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