that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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