just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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