I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I want to fling myself into the sun
Randomize
