Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
