Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
