Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
