I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
