do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
This baby is an asshole
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize