Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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