why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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