drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
