...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
