just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
