saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Can Purell be used as lube?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
