i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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