Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
