I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Swine flu is the new snow day.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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