My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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