girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
