I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
