Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
