Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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