i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
