Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
