Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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