My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
