I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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