Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
