the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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