i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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