Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
