had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
