In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize