he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
They have beer where we have blood.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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