OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
